from older locations.

someone i love said this to me five years ago. it's still true. she's the smartest person i know.

"just because you ask for help doesnt mean you arent fabulous. just because you dont know everything doesnt mean you're not smart. being collected doesn't make you loyal, it makes you boring. and i know you're not collected because everyone i'm friends with has some kinds of mental/ personality eccentricities. dependency is flattering and rationality is a substitute for emotion. simplicity isn't created, and if it's not already there, you have to deal with all the details. it's the only way to get an actual solution."

just a little romance, that's all.

as long as i keep living vicariously through people who aren't real, everything is perfect.

at least i have rollerskates.

bring it on home.

simple and clean.

too soon/too late

i am living proof that hope, love and understanding mean NOTHING in this world.
the person you try to bring the best out in will eventually abandon you.


i believed in you.

I know it gets tired, but it's better when we pretend.

that's how it starts.

aaron cometbus and being 17.

i want it all over again.

this time maybe i'll be bulletproof.

just this. that's all.

fox confessor.

i don't know how to react to anything anymore.

i've got nothing to say about anything except for how i feel about something, and that is the most boring kind of person on earth.

crossed out.

shit is still fucked up. keep keep keep trying.

but when i close my eyes i feel like a page with a crossed out name.

casualty of war: me

Everything is fucked up. Really, really fucked up.I think I only write when things are bad or excellent, I should probably learn to write during mediocre tolerable times. Everything seems intolerable lately though, and working 2 of 6 weeks is financially crippling and so is surgery, losing a roommate and having no one to move in, and I'm trying to keep my head above water but there's no land in sight so why not just let go and drown? I think have an actual stress issue. I broke out with red bumps all over my face from the anxiety and stress of constantly struggling to make it work without asking for help. Thank god for the people who love me and will help when I don't ask, even if it just means buying me a vodka soda to soften the blow that my bank account can't accomodate a $6 drink. I'm trying to stay positive, I know that life sucks and you have to roll with the punches, but its like getting your heart broken. Sometimes getting out of bed is just impossible when you know that you'll be verbally berated or knocked on your ass AGAIN today. I will only get out of bed to get on airplanes.

honeymooning & tarot

honeymoon beer & tarot readings, perfect present and hopeful future.

everything in transit.

i feel like i'm caught in the crossfire, and i can't seem to shake this feeling of dread that everything is about to get more complicated, not simpler.

it was only a matter of time before everything changed.

for the love of...cmt/cnh. not ray j.

i am too good a person to even stand for feeling like this. rage. hurt. confusion. but never, ever remorse. fuckgrowingupitruinseverything.

more of the same, but different this time around.

I needed a brief break from life, so i escaped to 35A Ifield Road, London.

i spent a good deal of the time obsessively cleaning and upholstering, and considering the ramifications of letting someone get away with too much of your heart and essentially taking on the weight of the world. when you make it clear that equal strength must be used, it feels as though a burden has been lifted off of your shoulders. this is what i have learned this week.

a bottle of jameson, two bottles of champagne and a few pints later (and a few pairs of shoes and purses and dresses), you realize that things are as simple as you allow them to be.

everyone should be so lucky.

isn't this unpleasant.

I don't like how uneasy i feel.
i need to take a step back.
make it count.
please don't forget about us.

the unfortunate events of the unknowingly misguided

so confused i can barely sit up straight, and so weak that even pressing the keys feels like a task.
if there were good intentions in everything that was said to me, then it sure as hell was misguided and accidentally hurtful.
so why is it now that i'm so upset i'm fighting off tears?
i don't like to be held under such intense pressure, and i don't like when people who have made more mistakes than i insist on telling me what is right for me.
i've spent my holiday season being more understanding than any human being should be, and working exceedingly hard to provide kind gestures to people i love and repay the love they have shown me. this has easily been one of the worst holidays in my memory, because i feel as though no one's actually taken my feelings into account, only their own.
it is rare that i feel as though the people i love are fucking up, because generally i feel like the luckiest girl alive.
i'll just make excuses for everyone and "see their side of the story" because that's what i've always done instead of stand up for myself.
happy 2009, you've already ruined my year.

let this be a lesson.

don't drink coffee at 1130 pm, watch a documentary and wrap christmas presents and become so enthralled in the internet and cleaning that you can't go to bed by 430.

i never realized til this exact moment how bleak december usually is for me, i guess i'm just easily distracted by bright shiny things that make me THINK i like christmas. i will revisit this thought later, when i think about the last 23 christmases. well, i'll actually probably think about the last 16 christmases because i dont remember the first 7 to be honest.

today's lessons in humility.

i haven't been MIA, i've just been busy and frustrated.

i wish i could find some sort of balance at my job that didn't make me feel so bipolar about my swings between loving and hating it completely.
i wish i could like the idea of circles under my eyes from drinking vodka-sodas instead of beer, so i can cut out these stupid calories.
i wish i didn't feel so sluggish and unmotivated half of the time.
i wish i could afford my health insurance that i am now cancelling.
i wish i could see my friends more, i miss them.
i wish i wish i wish i wish. how pointless.

i had a conversation with josh today about holding grudges.
i've realized that i dwell on things far too often, and must remind myself that some things ultimately don't matter.

maybe by writing it down i'll remember. just remind me every so often, ok?