not to be confused with

misery. that's my first inclination but not at all an accurate term.
i am literally watching myself fall apart.
it's like locking your keys in the car. you're closing the door as you realize it but you can't catch yourself in time to pull it back open.
i didn't catch myself in time.
and i'm back again at square one, well, square zero because that's the only place that crying on a major street really happens.
i'm 18 all over again because everything hurt back then and nothing has since. and now e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g does.
i don't feel like i can pull myself off of this bed, and my livelihood relies on it.
loyalty matters more to me than money. but my future matters too, i don't want to hold myself back.
i just want applicable people to do the following:
explain yourself. apologize. come home. leave me alone. stop resurfacing. come visit. man up.
find your command and do it now, i'm tired of being sad.